Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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