Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
