We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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