Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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