i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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