omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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