i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
try to milk me bitch
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