I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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