I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
