I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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