Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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