my vag is so smooth its legendary
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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