My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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