this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
