we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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