Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize