i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
