Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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