what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
