the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Let's paint friendship bongs
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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