Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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