I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
