Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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