i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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