I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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