i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
