Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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