I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
