Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
