I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize