no, he came in my armpit
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
