i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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