now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
