So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
