I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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