Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He better not be in your backpack
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
