She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
