Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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