We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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