I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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