I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
