She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have fence marks all over my body
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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