I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
