ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
