i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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