Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
