My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
