Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
