Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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