2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
