She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
