About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
