bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
