Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
false alarm. still invincible.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
