my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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