I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
