The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
