Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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