My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
